I think it just has to do with getting older and getting better at what it was i was doing, and that i could take something small and kind of take my time with it. I think actually what that has to do with is i quit drinking. Before that i told myself i could only drink if i was - if i was writing, i had to be drinking. So i was on a timer, because eventually you get too drunk to write.
I couldn't get myself to read the want ads. The thought of sitting in front of a man behind a desk and telling him that i wanted a job, that i was qualified for a job, was too much for me. Frankly, i was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So i stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat.
Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess i've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.