I didn’t get her cutting at all. she’d done it sporadically, ever since the accident and it scared me each time. she'd try to explain it to me, how she didn't want to die—she just needed to get it out somehow. she felt so much emotionally, she would say, that a physical outlet—physical pain—was the only way to make the internal pain go away. it was the only way she could control it.
Because who would ever want to get close to another person if they knew how hard the letting-go part was? in your heart they only die a little at a time, don't they? like a plant when you go away on a trip and forget to ask a neighbor to poke in once in awhile with the old watering-can, and its so sad—
Love does not terrify me. But the going away of it does. I have been made terribly aware of how everything can be wrenched away from you and your life torn apart. If i had known very secure nights all my life, if i had never seen or felt the fear of being tortured or deported or blown up into a million pieces, then i would not fear it.
I'd like everybody to be secular. I suppose i have to say politically i would like religion to become gentler and nicer and to stop interfering with other people's lives, stop repressing women, stop indoctrinating children, all that sort of thing. But i really, really would like to see religion go away altogether.
Across town, over in the east village, the graffiti was calling for the rich to be eaten, imprisoned, or taxed out of existence. Though it sometimes seemed like a nice idea, i hoped the revolution would not take place during my lifetime. I didn't want the rich to go away until i could at least briefly join their ranks.