It is just dawn, daylight: that gray and lonely suspension filled with the peaceful and tentative waking of birds. The air, inbreathed, is like spring water. He breathes deep and slow, feeling with each breath himself diffuse in the natural grayness, becoming one with loneliness and quiet that has never known fury or despair. "that was all i wanted," he thinks, in a quiet and slow amazement. "that was all, for thirty years. That didn't seem to be a whole lot to ask in thirty years.
He began to cry, not hysterically or screaming as people cry when concealed rage with tears, but with continuous sobs who has just discovered that he's alone and will be for long. he cried because safety and reason seemed to have left the world. loneliness was a reality, but in this situation madness was also remotely a possibility.
What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'this life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'you are a god and never have i heard anything more divine.
People often expect the other person to respond first in a positive way, instead of taking the initiative to create that possibility. I feel that's wrong; it can act as a barrier that just promotes a feeling of isolation from others. To overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness, your underlying attitude makes a tremendous difference - approaching others with the thought of compassion in your mind is the best way.
My goal was not to have huge luxuries. As a child, i wanted a house with a garden, which i have today. This is what i dreamed of. Id never worry about age if i knew i could go on being loved and having the possibility to love... So it isnt age or even death that one fears, as much as loneliness and the lack of affection.